I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
