I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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