Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
