I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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