we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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