i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
