i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Semen is not good for contacts.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize