I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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