i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
