These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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