and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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