I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
