my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
