I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
