I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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