Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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