woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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