so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
