come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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