My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
