You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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