Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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