I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
