Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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