Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize