we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize