The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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