I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
