Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
