I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
