i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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