i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
