i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
