I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
