My room smells like vodka and shame
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
