You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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