I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
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