fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
