she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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