Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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