It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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