A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
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