I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
