If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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