He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
