you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
