We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
