let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
