I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
