My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
