Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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