she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
