Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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