I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
