So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
