I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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