im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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