There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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