So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize