is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
