just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
