1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize