Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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