I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Its about making memories worth repressing
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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