I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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