Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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