That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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