I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
