I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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