WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
