you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
